Halloween :)

See also:

How To Lie To The Bathroom Scale

Weigh yourself with clothes on, after dinner as well as in the morning, without clothes, before breakfast, because it's nice to see how much weight you've lost over- night.

Never weigh yourself with wet hair.

When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don't forget the earrings, these things can weigh at least a pound.

Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because they are always five pounds off...to your advantage.

Always go to the bathroom first.

Stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale lighter.

Don't eat or drink in the morning until AFTER you've weighed in, completely naked, of course.

Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for at least half a pound of hair (hopefully).

Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale (air has to weigh something, right?).

Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto the towel rack in front of you, slowly edge your other foot on and slowly let off of the rack. Admittedly, this takes time, but it's worth it. You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you'd stepped on normally.

See also:

Norman Has to GO

Norman was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom.

So Norman raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course the teacher said yes, but asked Norman to be quick. Five minutes later Norman returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed.

"I can't find it," he admitted. The teacher sat Norman down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now.

Norman looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way.

Well five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher "I can't find it".

Frustrated, the teacher asked Eddie, a boy who has been at the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom. So Eddie and Norman go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats.

The teacher asks Eddie "Well, did you find it?"

Eddie is quick with his reply: "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards."

See also:

Excuse Me Etiquette

During class, a teacher was attempting to teach good manners. She asks a student, "Michael, if you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you needed to use the bathroom?" she asked.

"Just a minute, I have to go pee."

The teacher replied, "That would be rude and impolite! What about you John, how would you say it?"

"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."

The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not nice to use the word bathroom at the table. And you Peter, how would you show your good manners?"

"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

See also:

Assiduous Musician :)

See also:

Airline

A blonde buys a plane ticket to Miami. (It's a coach Ticket). When she gets on the plane she sits in first class.

The steward who checks tickets says, "I'm so sorry, this is a coach ticket and your sitting in 1st class."

"I can do What-eva I want, I'm a blonde." Well I'll get the pilot.

The pilot comes and whispers in the blondes ear and she leaves. The steward looks amazed and says," What did you say?"

The pilot simply says," I told her 1st class wasn't going to Miami, just coach was!!!"

See also:

South African Duck

There was once a man by the name of Fred. He was a Farmer on the inlands of the cape in South Africa. Fred had 3 sons who were Jack, LenZ and Putty.As Fred grew older he decided to give the farm to one of his 3 sons. There was a dillema however as he didnt have a clue as to which son he was going to choose. For hours on end he would think of a way in which he could choose one son, which brought about his idea.

The next day he gathered his sons around the table and told them that he was getting old, too old to run the farm. He then added that he was going to have a contest to decide the son that inherets the farm. He thereafter went into the barn and fetched a duck that was in good condition. He gave each son 1 and said, "The one who brings me the most for the duck wins."

With that being said,Jack imediatly left and returned in 2 hours with an amount of 10 rands.

After Jack had returned, LenZ left whilst thinking to himself,"I could easily beat 10 rands"

Returning the next day, LenZ brought in an amount of 20 rands. Fred was very proud of LenZ and commended him upon his good work.

After seeing that LenZ had brought in an amount of 20 rands, Putty the youngest son packed his bags before he left. Fred came up to Putty and asked why he had packed so much, with Putty Replying, "Im going to the city dad and when i come back im gonna own my own farm!"

Impressed with his son,he waved Putty of as he took a stroll away from the farm.

Ariving in Cape town, the "mother city", Putty walked past the shops with a chicken at hand wondering who would be eligible to buy it for more than 20 rands. He then stopped in amazement as he saw for the very 1st time a XXX shop. Being the youngest and most curious he decided to go inside. At the Reception the was a young attractive female with blue eyes. Since Putty didnt have any money he decided to pay with the Duck. He was then escourted by the lady to room 6 which is were he had the best sex in his life.

After the steaming sex he had no Duck. Seeing that the lady enjoyed the sex so much he handed her the duck and then said,"Hey,thats a nice Duck u got there,Ill fuck u for it"
After the lady agreed, she put down the duck and Fucked him again, this time more wilder than the 1st!

After putting their clothes back on, the lady went to fetch the duck but found that the duck was MISSING!

They looked everywere for it, in every room, and then they went out onto the roadside. There was a man on the side of the road on his knees and crying. Putty asked him why he was crying and he said that he had never harmed an animal before and today he killed a duck by driving over it.

Putty then thought to himself, "I could report this and get the man in deep shit, or I could force him into paying me not to tell!"

After choosing the 2nd option by telling the man that that was his duck, the man agreed that reporting it would mean he would also have his licence suspended,So he paid Putty a sum of 30 rands.

It is 4 days later and Putty Has just returned home.

His father asks him very proudly, "So son, what did u get for your Duck?"

and of course very proudly Putty said,"I got a fuck for a duck,a duck for a fuck,and 30 rands for a fucked up duck!"

See also:

Those Naughty, Naughty Pets!

A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender gimme a triple shot of Jack".
The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar and says "Another".
The bartender pours another. The man downs it and says "Another".
As the bartender pours the third glass he says, "Mister you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?"
The man says, "Ten years, ten years I've been married to my wife, and today I go home a little early to surprise her, and I find my best friend, MY BEST FRIEND, in bed having sex with her."
The bartender says "Geez, what did you say."
The man says " I told him, BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"

See also:

The Best Workplace :)

See also:

The Gold Toilet

Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a get-acquainted tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal. That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "when I am president, I could have a gold urinal too. But I wouldn't do something that self indulgent!" Later when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal. That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill, "I found out who pissed in your saxophone."

See also:

You Think A Gallon Of Gas Is Expensive?

Perspectives...
Makes one think, and puts things in perspective.
Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ......... $10.32 per gallon
Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ....... $ 9.52 per gallon
Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 ............. $10.17 per gallon
Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 .......... $10.00 per gallon
Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 .......... $33.60 per gallon
Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 ......... $178.13 per gallon
Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 .......... $123.20 per gallon
Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 .............. $25.42 per gallon
Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 ............... $84.48 per gallon
this is the REAL KICKER......
Evian water 9 oz for $1.49 ....... $21.19 per gallon.

$21.19 FOR WATER! ....and the buyers don't even know the source.
But then again Evian spelled backwards is naive
So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on water,
Scope, or Whiteout, or God forbid, PEPTO BISMOL or NYQUIL!!!!
Just a little humor to help ease the pain of your next trip to the pump...

See also:

In The Beginning

In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's and Krispy Kreme. And Satan said, "You want hot fudge with that?" And Man said "Yes!" and Woman said, "I'll have another with sprinkles." And lo they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them. And Woman went from size 2 to size 10.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented crumbled Bleu Cheese dressing and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut shrimp, butter dipped lobster chunks and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And man and woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin, sliced the starchy center into chips, deep-fried them in animal fats, and added copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and the 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then Lucifer said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size 'em!" And Satan said "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. And Satan created HMOs.

AMEN

See also: